Wednesday, June 5, 2013

We Solve the Sex Offender Problem

Human Hamster Ball
Original Article


Society has been struggling with finding a way to protect itself from known sex offenders. Laws have been inacted nation-wide requiring registration of sex offenders and notification to residents when one moves into the neighborhood. But some studies have shown that these laws are not effective. Further, the harsh sanctions leveled upon sex offenders who make even the slightest error or omission in registering almost makes you pitty the poor souls ... almost. Luckily, we aren’t all slap stick here at Bitter Lawyer. We also contribute to society. And we have come up with a solution to this problem.

After watching a rerun of American Gladiators, we came up with a new proposal for dealing with sex offenders: let’s put them in hamster balls.

We can’t afford to keep sex offenders locked up forever, but we need to keep our children safe. We make them register their addresses, but this isn’t effective at preventing recidivism. They are still among us. As one public safety advocate put it, “hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husbands ‘cause they rapin’ e’rybody out here.”

Many are calling the idea “pure genius.” Now we can rest assured that a registered sex offender can’t bother us because he’s separated from the world by a quarter inch of transparent plastic. We have reached out to the community most impacted by sex offenders: schools. “We could even set up barriers at schools that would prevent the hamster balls from going through,” said one local school administrator who was thrilled by the idea.

Even the sex offenders could get on board with this. They could become a part of the community again. People won’t be as worried about having them around when they know there’s no way that their kids will be in danger.

It could really work out for everyone. Picture a playground with your children enjoying the equipment without fear of abduction. You look off into the distance and see a few hamster balls continually running into the sex offender barrier and bouncing off. Just past them the sun sets below the horizon, preparing to rise the next day over a new and safer community.

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